self – A Life of Well

The Mourning After

Many of us will have only a small circle of close family members and friends, with many of the people we associate regularly with falling into casual friends or acquaintences with contact mandated by obligations, common links with other people or school and professional environment. These relationships will morph over time, with some people moving into the inner circle, others moving out of it and some drifting from any connection at all. This can occur gradually or suddenly, and can be a conscious separating or distancing by one or both parties or a natural consequence of another choice or situation.

Periods of stress, particularly extended ones, put life under a microscope forcing a reassessment of priorities and acknowledgement of which of our needs are being met. Some feel bound by duty, some by choice, and all require an energy and time commitment. Relationships of convenience such as classmates, colleagues, fellow-activity-attenders where the only effort to be in communication with people is to turn up to the same event are dependent only on turning up to something we are doing anyway. They generally provide a (hopefully) healthy dose of social interaction with very little depth or pressure, and if you’re lucky or want it there may be deeper friendships with a few.

These ‘shallow’ interactions can still provide a degree of stability in their regularity and predictability; particularly if daily such as at school or work. They force a degree of community and mutual respect if you’re lucky enough to feel part of a team. I have however noticed the natural ability for the ‘team’ to move on when a member is suddenly absent perhaps through illness, retirement, pa/maternity leave or moving onto a new job. When there is a notice period to their leaving, it is easy to notice how much they do and wonder how on earth you’ll cope without them. This lasts until they leave. Within a day or two the team have formed a new dynamic and the leaver is mentioned only in passing; ‘so-and-so would know that’, ‘they used to do that’, ‘do you remember when…?’. The natural course of living has made us able to move on from absences of those not personally connected to us without any real degree of mourning – as is very important in the animal kingdom.

Less obvious, to me at least, was the experience from the other side. Entering a new phase of life without the structure of a system one has lived within for years is very much like passing through a gateway, and the deeper relationships are often the only ones you can take with you: those that can survive without the system and both parties are willing to make an active effort in rather than those that exist in passive affiability. This comes with the realisation that while one is valued as a team member or as a person, this does not mean you are valued enough to take a place in personal lives. It is easy to enquire how someone is doing to a mutual acquaintance seen in passing, and is a good conversation starter, but it takes more effort to reach out and find out yourself.

Control and Perception

Control is important for mental well-being, but the degree is important. Control can be internal or external, genuine or illusionary – and often our perception of control is more important than the truth of the situation, at least in most day-to-day situations.

Indulge me for a moment if you will as we take a car journey: When my husband is driving, being familiar with his degree of road awareness and attention, I am happy to be the passenger and sit and look out the window – I have no control over the car other than hoping the driver responds to verbal cues from me should I choose to give them. Now instead, an imaginary work colleague is with me. I know they are often on their phone or inattentive while driving and have had several minor driving related incidents, so I may volunteer to be the driver. It is easier for me to feel I am in control in this situation than to passively cede the control to another where I do not have that trust for our safety, even though we’re both equally likely to hit the deer that jumps over a hedge to immediately in front of us.

Hitting this metaphorical cervid is a situation I would prefer not to feel I had any control over as being able to forgo responsibility assuages my guilt over the incident – and turns it into an accident; “there’s nothing you could have done.” The actual outcome is it doesn’t matter which of the three of us is driving, we’ve all hit this deer. Where the control balance sits is in my head’s subconscious playthrough of potential scenarios before getting in the car the deer is already a casualty regardless, but by taking control away from my colleague I have given myself control over whether we go into a wall from taking a corner too fast or not allowing for the water on the road from the blocked drain.

In reality, I’m going from A to B in a vehicle. I am driving or a passenger. I can be a stressed driver or a calm one, an anxious passenger or sound asleep. Normally we don’t even notice these ‘control’ scenarios until a situation is not aligned with how we would like or expect it to proceed and stress, discomfort or anxiety surface. Even those in the same situation find their control reactions vary with their perspective: my imaginary work colleague is happily driving away while I cling desperately to the door handle and clamp my mouth shut when we take a corner too fast. I’m driving along merrily and they’re sulking in the passenger seat because they wanted to try out the new company car.

Money for Nothing

Money is something in modern society we all need and use. An odd statement for something which has only as much value as we allocate to it, while having none in its own right – you cannot survive on money without anything available to trade it for. No matter how much water you can buy with that note at home, in the desert it will bring you none.

We can exchange our funds for physical objects to help us survive, knowledge to enrich us or experiences to bring us joy, but it’s also often seen as a major cause of stress. I have been considering this week that often it is not the money itself we are concerned about, but thinking about it frequently is a sign of a desire for change somewhere in our lives. A desperate want for more money is a plea for a better availability for more of the things we need such as food, water and heating in our lives – an indication our basic needs as living things are not being met. A frenetic spending of money can be a search for fulfillment or contentment not being met wirth our current life structure or social circle.

When we are ticking along in our groove with our needs met and ourselves fulfilled, money is not something which is strongly on the radar. Catching ourselves thinking around money can be a sign something is out of balance and we are craving change. We can use whether we think we can afford something or not as an excuse holding us back from making changes we are afraid of, or spend recklessly on a new car, a household gadget, a training course which will make us “better” as if this magically equals “happier” or “safer”.

I’ve caught myself doing this over the last few weeks: I’ve bought a robot vacuum so the house is easier to clean to help reduce stress levels (in reality I may find it more therapeutic doing the cleaning myself!), I’ve signed up to two rather expensive training courses; one I believe will make my CV more attractive, and the other is ‘for me’ – a search for myself in a hobby I’ve always wanted to try. I have a couple of options for my career I am exploring at the moment – I then look at my bank account and worry I haven’t got enough in savings to contemplate looking at going into contracting as one of my options: double the hourly wage potential, but uncertainty as to regular work availability, pensions, holiday time and an increase in household expenses around vehicles and fuel with the added guilt of increased ecological burden.

Walls

Living builds walls around us, keeping us on a certain course – some we create ourselves and others are put there by the systems within which we exist. Some may be a small fence – easy to step over and even quite pretty, not begrudged at all, a mere marking of boundaries. Others may feel like a 10ft solid stone wall topped with barbed wire impossible for us to ascend. These walls are fluid – they can grow and shrink, appear and topple with situation, company or mood.

Obligations by nature put demands upon us. These can be for our time, money, thoughts, energy and can be entirely voluntary or come from other people, society, living needs or occupation. In times of stress, be these transient or chronic, it can feel like these needs or musts often from outside are crowding us in and leaving us no space for wants or needs of our own.

From my own experience, mental health is improved by feeling we are in control of something, and this is particularly important in times of stress. When the demands upon us exceed the resources available to tackle them it is easy to feel controlled by rather than in control, and this makes us feel we either buckle and sink under it all, or lash out desperate to prove we have some say and take out at least one of these pressures.

Depending on the nature or duration of the stressors and where they sit in our priorities at that time will affect what we cut when we lash out. It may be our education is non-negotiable, so we cut the relationship we tell ourselves isn’t working for us anymore, or maybe our relationships are top of the importance list so we change our jobs or our homes. We may feel hemmed in and express control by throwing everything out – removing clutter and purging it from our homes so our eyes at least tell us we’ve got something in hand, or we may feel unfulfilled and try to fill the space with more things or more pets hoping it brings us back into balance again.

Mindset Eating

I feel very privileged to live in a part of the world where I get to consider the various labels and ethoses we build up around the way we eat, rather than having to eat only what’s available and hoping it’s enough to get me through the day.

Many of us have an odd relationship with food in the Western world. It’s fuel, entertainment, a bonding experience, comfort, compulsion and forms a substantial part of the structure of our day – regardless how ‘healthy’ the lens viewing each individual’s relationship is. All of us require nutrients in some form or another to continue existing, but food has become something of personal, social and global importance and carries more influence with it than simply powering our bodies through the day.

	Variables
Personal	Health – allergies/medical conditions/etc. Personal flavour prefences Ethos (including re. degree of processing in manufacture, food logging, etc.) Confidence in the kitchen Time
Social	Family circle personal preferences Religion or culture Peer pressure (particularly re. cooking or food brands)
Global	Environmental impacts Animal welfare Global warming contribution Availability and distribution

I find myself wanting to change my relationship with food predominently from a personal health perspective – I have caught myself stress-eating sweets again, and would like to improve my physical health (weight, gut-health, energy) – but I want to make a conscious decision as to what direction I take that relationship in and how it aligns with my evolving beliefs.

I have always preferred to try to make theoretically sustainable lifestyle changes to my eating – I’m not one for crash dieting to try and lose a few lbs first in a way which is not healthy to do for more than a few weeks, and I am not a fan of ‘cleanses’ either – that’s what half my inner organs are for. Clearly the fact I’m here having this conversation with myself again shows I’m not so good at the ‘sustainable’ part of my lifestyle eating habits.

Manifestations of Health

Stress often shows in physical symptoms: nothing new there. Living for a sustained period at a higher stress level than normal for me however has made me appreciate how easy it is to judge others lifestyles as ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ from a position of ignorance. We all “know” if we want to be healthy most of us need certain tickboxes addressing – though what each of these boxes will look like and their weighting of importance will vary from person to person:

Physical health: nutrition, exercise, outdoors time
Mental health: education, brain engagement, hobbies, balance between work, home, social and self demands
Social health: time with family, friends and people who have a positive influence on our mood

It is not unusual for us to judge our own and other’s health by physical appearance, especially when we’re feeling insecure about our own health and fearing others have noticed. We can easily assume the slim, toned figure in the business suit with perfectly coiffed hair is fully in control of their life while the dragged-through-hedge hair and tracksuit combo shoving crisps in their face clearly has some work to do. What we can’t see is the business suit may be suffering from anorexia brought on by stress, and the tracksuit may be too busy having a great time to bother with a hairbrush and hasn’t noticed us or the business suit at all.

For myself, I’m finding as I try to make a sustained effort to choose healthily for myself, it’s very clear my body is still struggling from stress and as such those ‘healthy choices’ are not manifesting physically for me yet. I’ve eaten well (rather than just lots) for a month which would normally see me lose between 6-8lb and have fluctuated within the same 2lb variance on the scales for the whole time. I’ve been exercising for 10-20 minutes 5-6x a week mixing cardio, strength and stretches on different days: I feel a difference in my muscles and mentally it’s a lot easier, but my overall shape isn’t changing and neither are my energy levels improving with this combination of exercise and nutrition.

I am forced to acknowledge my stress symptoms are still present: tension headaches, the urge to compulsively eat anything just to chew until my jaws ache, the general agitation around certain topics and almost phobia of mixing with people in a social setting. Still being stressed will be affecting my digestion and endochrine (hormone) systems and impacting my physical response to all stimuli in an abnormal way: including how I hold water or energy in my cells and how I recover after physical and mental exertion.

Self: Image, Esteem, Identity

I’ve been thinking a lot about different ‘selfs’ this week and my own definitions of them:

Self-image: Personal perspective of self

contentment in own skin
self-confidence
physical and mental image of self

Self-esteem: Perception of how others see self

Projection of self-image in different scenarios
Impactor of perceived external views or judgements on self-image and fragility of maintaining that regard for self

Self-identity: The things that make character individual including hobbies, passions, activities, faith, morals, etc..

I love to…
I’m good at…
I get satisfaction from…

I find all my ‘self’ views change on even a daily basis, and can require conscious effort to shape in a direction I desire or view as healthy. My self-image is vulnerable to tiredness and a flustered mind, my self-esteem is situation based and can be easily scuppered by putting me somewhere I feel less comfortable, and my self-identity is easily buried or put aside by obligations which can feel I should put first.

	Improved by:	Eroded by:
Self-Image	– self care: hygiene, exercise, diet, mind-time – time spent in comfortable space	– stress/depression – never feeling comfortable
Self-Esteem	– being within comfort zone or within limits outside it – comments which reinforce own positive thoughts	– alignment with social expectations being outside comfort zone – comments which reinforce own negative thoughts
Self-Identity	– time for hobbies/self	– obligations before wants – acting for ‘the greater good’

Much of ‘self’ relates to comfort zone, and comfort zone is dependent on situation. We all having varying degrees of wanting to be seen, to be individual, to be ME, and wanting to fit in, to be invisible, to be ONE OF. These degrees are fluid even within the individual depending on

location
personal energy levels
goals
activity type
familiarity

I can be very comfortable sitting in my pyjamas on the sofa at home, even with people calling in but very uncomfortable in the same outfit sitting on a bench in the town centre half an hour later: I am the same me, the pyjamas are the same clothes, but the situation is different and therefore my awareness of the ‘appropriateness’ of my attire with the expectations from society and myself changes, and my self-esteem at a given time alters accordingly. I have moved from ‘in my comfort zone’ to ‘out of my comfort zone’ without actually changing anything with me.