I’ve been thinking a lot about different ‘selfs’ this week and my own definitions of them:
Self-image: Personal perspective of self
- contentment in own skin
- self-confidence
- physical and mental image of self
Self-esteem: Perception of how others see self
- Projection of self-image in different scenarios
- Impactor of perceived external views or judgements on self-image and fragility of maintaining that regard for self
Self-identity: The things that make character individual including hobbies, passions, activities, faith, morals, etc..
- I love to…
- I’m good at…
- I get satisfaction from…
I find all my ‘self’ views change on even a daily basis, and can require conscious effort to shape in a direction I desire or view as healthy. My self-image is vulnerable to tiredness and a flustered mind, my self-esteem is situation based and can be easily scuppered by putting me somewhere I feel less comfortable, and my self-identity is easily buried or put aside by obligations which can feel I should put first.
| Improved by: | Eroded by: | |
| Self-Image | – self care: hygiene, exercise, diet, mind-time – time spent in comfortable space | – stress/depression – never feeling comfortable |
| Self-Esteem | – being within comfort zone or within limits outside it – comments which reinforce own positive thoughts | – alignment with social expectations being outside comfort zone – comments which reinforce own negative thoughts |
| Self-Identity | – time for hobbies/self | – obligations before wants – acting for ‘the greater good’ |
Much of ‘self’ relates to comfort zone, and comfort zone is dependent on situation. We all having varying degrees of wanting to be seen, to be individual, to be ME, and wanting to fit in, to be invisible, to be ONE OF. These degrees are fluid even within the individual depending on
- location
- personal energy levels
- goals
- activity type
- familiarity
I can be very comfortable sitting in my pyjamas on the sofa at home, even with people calling in but very uncomfortable in the same outfit sitting on a bench in the town centre half an hour later: I am the same me, the pyjamas are the same clothes, but the situation is different and therefore my awareness of the ‘appropriateness’ of my attire with the expectations from society and myself changes, and my self-esteem at a given time alters accordingly. I have moved from ‘in my comfort zone’ to ‘out of my comfort zone’ without actually changing anything with me.
I spend most of my life as a pair of eyeballs with a brain behind them floating about 1.5m off the floor. A pair of hands and arms appear underneath sometimes for manipulating objects, and food and drink disappear just below the eyeballs. When I am within my comfort zone, I ‘manifest’ mentally – I can be in the moment not thinking about any physical aspects and can just be. When outside my comfort zone however I become very aware of the physical: my brain and its eyeballs are housed within a physical shell, which is being viewed by other brains with eyeballs. This degree of awareness of others is the main indicator I have stepped outside my comfort zone as when I am feeling confident and capable in a situation, I don’t have what others may think on the radar.
I am personally very comfortable out in the woods on a walk and don’t care how much mud is on my clothes or how many twigs are in my hair when anyone sees me, but put me in somewhere remotely ‘fancy’ and my resignation to my amazing ability to end up mucky in any situation has me panicked about my clothes, my weight, my ability to eat without getting soup down me, my posture, the volume of my speech, everything. Someone who is full of poise in formal situations (or at least appears so to me) may feel overdressed and self-conscious doing woodcrafts or paintballing.
I think it’s important to recognise how much of our self-esteem is perception-based. We can never truly know what is going on in someone else’s head at any given situation, we can only project onto them with our own filters. Our projection of confidence onto another person does not mean they are not jelly-kneed and panicking in their heads and this applies to how others perceive us too: just because we feel self-conscious, doesn’t mean anyone’s looking let alone has noticed.
Our sensitivity to being outside our comfort zone is affected by how tired we are, how important we deem the possible outcomes of the event, who we are with and I feel it is important to have a moment to acknowledge how we feel and why, and that it’s ok.
“This is taking more out of me because I’m already tired.”
“I’m afraid of x happening, but realistically it’s not likely to – I’m only considering this because I really want everything to go well.”
I find after a prolonged period managing stress my own comfort zone is much smaller – particularly around family and friends who have a genuine interest in my health and wellbeing, but I do not necessarily want to share everything with. This manifests as a very high sensitivity to my physical appearance around these people: The ancient Greeks allegedly preached ‘healthy body = healthy mind’ and vice-versa, and my visibly “unhealthy” body is a direct product of the stress and inbalance in my mind – like an arrow-sign for all to see should they care to.
In reality, my stress-induced weight-gain through poor eating and less exercise are probably less obvious than I realise: it will have been visible to others even earlier than to me and noone is going to read into it to the depth that I will analyse myself. I need to recognise I am projecting my own poor self-image and allowing it to affect my self-esteem around these people, and not allow it to affect my interacting with them too much while I work on improving how I see myself.
Positive self-image takes work: making the choices we need to feel healthy in ourselves, and combining it with honesty about self-identity and commitment to activities which reinforce this requires time, thought and energy. Increasing comfort in and with ourselves and who and how we are broadens our comfort zone in other situations, which makes our self-esteem stronger. We can only be and grow who we are.
I like to remind myself of the following as I find balance for myself among the obligations life tries to launch my way:
- Start small
- Be conscious
- Be honest
A Life of Well 