Control is important for mental well-being, but the degree is important. Control can be internal or external, genuine or illusionary – and often our perception of control is more important than the truth of the situation, at least in most day-to-day situations.
Indulge me for a moment if you will as we take a car journey: When my husband is driving, being familiar with his degree of road awareness and attention, I am happy to be the passenger and sit and look out the window – I have no control over the car other than hoping the driver responds to verbal cues from me should I choose to give them. Now instead, an imaginary work colleague is with me. I know they are often on their phone or inattentive while driving and have had several minor driving related incidents, so I may volunteer to be the driver. It is easier for me to feel I am in control in this situation than to passively cede the control to another where I do not have that trust for our safety, even though we’re both equally likely to hit the deer that jumps over a hedge to immediately in front of us.
Hitting this metaphorical cervid is a situation I would prefer not to feel I had any control over as being able to forgo responsibility assuages my guilt over the incident – and turns it into an accident; “there’s nothing you could have done.” The actual outcome is it doesn’t matter which of the three of us is driving, we’ve all hit this deer. Where the control balance sits is in my head’s subconscious playthrough of potential scenarios before getting in the car the deer is already a casualty regardless, but by taking control away from my colleague I have given myself control over whether we go into a wall from taking a corner too fast or not allowing for the water on the road from the blocked drain.
In reality, I’m going from A to B in a vehicle. I am driving or a passenger. I can be a stressed driver or a calm one, an anxious passenger or sound asleep. Normally we don’t even notice these ‘control’ scenarios until a situation is not aligned with how we would like or expect it to proceed and stress, discomfort or anxiety surface. Even those in the same situation find their control reactions vary with their perspective: my imaginary work colleague is happily driving away while I cling desperately to the door handle and clamp my mouth shut when we take a corner too fast. I’m driving along merrily and they’re sulking in the passenger seat because they wanted to try out the new company car.
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