Many of us will have only a small circle of close family members and friends, with many of the people we associate regularly with falling into casual friends or acquaintences with contact mandated by obligations, common links with other people or school and professional environment. These relationships will morph over time, with some people moving into the inner circle, others moving out of it and some drifting from any connection at all. This can occur gradually or suddenly, and can be a conscious separating or distancing by one or both parties or a natural consequence of another choice or situation.
Periods of stress, particularly extended ones, put life under a microscope forcing a reassessment of priorities and acknowledgement of which of our needs are being met. Some feel bound by duty, some by choice, and all require an energy and time commitment. Relationships of convenience such as classmates, colleagues, fellow-activity-attenders where the only effort to be in communication with people is to turn up to the same event are dependent only on turning up to something we are doing anyway. They generally provide a (hopefully) healthy dose of social interaction with very little depth or pressure, and if you’re lucky or want it there may be deeper friendships with a few.
These ‘shallow’ interactions can still provide a degree of stability in their regularity and predictability; particularly if daily such as at school or work. They force a degree of community and mutual respect if you’re lucky enough to feel part of a team. I have however noticed the natural ability for the ‘team’ to move on when a member is suddenly absent perhaps through illness, retirement, pa/maternity leave or moving onto a new job. When there is a notice period to their leaving, it is easy to notice how much they do and wonder how on earth you’ll cope without them. This lasts until they leave. Within a day or two the team have formed a new dynamic and the leaver is mentioned only in passing; ‘so-and-so would know that’, ‘they used to do that’, ‘do you remember when…?’. The natural course of living has made us able to move on from absences of those not personally connected to us without any real degree of mourning – as is very important in the animal kingdom.
Less obvious, to me at least, was the experience from the other side. Entering a new phase of life without the structure of a system one has lived within for years is very much like passing through a gateway, and the deeper relationships are often the only ones you can take with you: those that can survive without the system and both parties are willing to make an active effort in rather than those that exist in passive affiability. This comes with the realisation that while one is valued as a team member or as a person, this does not mean you are valued enough to take a place in personal lives. It is easy to enquire how someone is doing to a mutual acquaintance seen in passing, and is a good conversation starter, but it takes more effort to reach out and find out yourself.
Being the one stepping out the door is to be faced with the requirement to make new acquaintances in a new sea, while leaving the old behind almost completely. Juggling the two can be akin to being cast adrift – especially if your social life outside of these structured worlds is limited and your new environment is not yet at a stage of sharing glimpses of personal difficulties. You may not be mourned by those left behind, but you are required to adjust in a less instinctive way as the one who has left the social group and cut out on their own. Not something as hard-wired for social beings in the animal kingdom.
Deeper relationships with family or friends require more energy than these transient pleasantries – be it in communications, catch-ups or being available to help with tasks like moving house or childcare. A common symptom of stress or depression is a low battery – putting the social face on especially if naturally introverted takes a lot more out of you than it used to and there’s not much energy going spare – and what you have available may already be reserved for your home, your work, your partner.
Relationships are always two-way; you put something in, and something is returned. In an ideal world there is a balance between the two and a mutually beneficial partnership is struck. In reality, we all expect a see-saw – we hope our friends and family will be there for us when we are unable to return what is needed in kind, and we do the same for them. This is particularly easy to do when your energy levels are sufficient to spare without needing something put back in by the encounters.
Accomodation required by either partner is usually just absorbed by time and the natural back-and-forth, but when either party is in a hole – be it from physical, mental, financial or familial condition – for a period of time the balance can shift to being very one sided in which one side is substantially supporting the other. Rather than leaning on one another, one member takes the part of support and the other drapes exhaustedly over it in whatever condition they are able. We all need someone to lean on sometimes, and over short periods until the leaner finds their feet again this can be a positive experience for both parties: one gets support and the other gets to feel good about being able to do it. Over long periods however, or when both members are in need of support, these relationships can start to feel very one-way and draining rather than enriching.
It is sometimes necessary to take stock of our own abilities and willingness to offer ourselves to others – and this can result in some difficult mental balancing of the scales. It is difficult to continuously be there for someone when it becomes clear they are unwilling or unable to return the service when you need it. It is important to understand the cost of these relationships and if we are willing to pay it. In service to a loved one in suffering through no fault of their own, we may willingly put ourselves aside as long as is necessary. For a drifted relationship without duty requirement or benefit, regardless of history, we may decide our own health is more important than a lapsed or draining social bond and consciously increase distance or even make a clean cut.
I truly believe the most important thing is honesty to one’s self about all these relationships, even should conversations with the other parties not occur. Only in this way are we able to address and develop our own feelings and actions around them in a healthy way for ourselves. If we are not working to maintain our own health, we will not be able to be available for those we value.
I am trying to reflect and learn on this myself and am spending much time thinking on my own relationships over the years. Having a relationship or history with someone does not obligate it to continue for what was. This also does not mean you must cut off all who are not immediately benefitting you. Merely be open-eyed. Care for the lifelong partner who is no longer able to care for you, but make sure you also make time for activities and encounters that enrich too, and be careful you do not blindly become the dependent for the next person in the line. Be grateful for their support when it is offered freely, knowing you would give it, and do not be afraid to distance yourself if you feel this is what’s needed to allow you to deliver what you want to those relationships truly important to you.
Balance, as is appropriate for the now.
A Life of Well 