Control is important for mental well-being, but the degree is important. Control can be internal or external, genuine or illusionary – and often our perception of control is more important than the truth of the situation, at least in most day-to-day situations.
Indulge me for a moment if you will as we take a car journey: When my husband is driving, being familiar with his degree of road awareness and attention, I am happy to be the passenger and sit and look out the window – I have no control over the car other than hoping the driver responds to verbal cues from me should I choose to give them. Now instead, an imaginary work colleague is with me. I know they are often on their phone or inattentive while driving and have had several minor driving related incidents, so I may volunteer to be the driver. It is easier for me to feel I am in control in this situation than to passively cede the control to another where I do not have that trust for our safety, even though we’re both equally likely to hit the deer that jumps over a hedge to immediately in front of us.
Hitting this metaphorical cervid is a situation I would prefer not to feel I had any control over as being able to forgo responsibility assuages my guilt over the incident – and turns it into an accident; “there’s nothing you could have done.” The actual outcome is it doesn’t matter which of the three of us is driving, we’ve all hit this deer. Where the control balance sits is in my head’s subconscious playthrough of potential scenarios before getting in the car the deer is already a casualty regardless, but by taking control away from my colleague I have given myself control over whether we go into a wall from taking a corner too fast or not allowing for the water on the road from the blocked drain.
In reality, I’m going from A to B in a vehicle. I am driving or a passenger. I can be a stressed driver or a calm one, an anxious passenger or sound asleep. Normally we don’t even notice these ‘control’ scenarios until a situation is not aligned with how we would like or expect it to proceed and stress, discomfort or anxiety surface. Even those in the same situation find their control reactions vary with their perspective: my imaginary work colleague is happily driving away while I cling desperately to the door handle and clamp my mouth shut when we take a corner too fast. I’m driving along merrily and they’re sulking in the passenger seat because they wanted to try out the new company car.
Control situations can also bring rise to conflict – especially when our own exertion of control means taking it away from another: a situation I think anyone who has worked as the ‘responsible adult’ with children will be familiar with!
Periods of heightened stress, especially if brought about by situations we are unable to directly influence such as bad medical news in ourselves or a close loved one, can lead to us lashing out desperately looking for some aspect of our lives we can prove to ourselves we do still have some say in.
Strong emotional situations often heighten our sense of recollection, and the decisions made in these times can be seen as real turning points in our lives in hindsight – choosing which leg to go down in the Trousers of Time (Terry Pratchett fans will understand!) and branching off on an irreversible path. I can recall two such crossroads in my own life – one over a decade ago, and one I am still feeling my way through now; hence control and perception being on my mind this week. In the first, I could not or would not compromise my education, my family or myself so cut ties completely on a 4 year relationship. In the second, my relationship and home were of absolute importance to me so my job has been the area of my life I have decided needs to be changed to allow me the breathing space for rest and growth I want for myself and my family right now.
These crossroads can be complicated to navigate because exerting control in one aspect (e.g. quitting my job) exposes us to unfamiliar or scenarios where we have less control for a period until life and routine re-establish themselves in a new framework. I have exerted control over my work situation by taking myself out of it, but put myself in the hands of recruiters and other businesses for finding a new one – my only ‘control’ of the situation is to ensure I am actively looking for and applying, but my success in finding alternative employment is not solely in my hands.
This transition stage requires active effort to negotiate and can be exhausting even when we know we are 100% on the right path. It is made easier with the support of people around us we do rely on and trust to take control with or for us in other areas of our lives (e.g. home or childcare, paying the bills, missing a few events in the short term without the entire collapse of a social circle) to free up that energy to power us through to the crest of our next wave. When we get there, we can more easily become that support again for others as they take their next leap too.
A Life of Well 