September 2021 – A Life of Well

Control is important for mental well-being, but the degree is important. Control can be internal or external, genuine or illusionary – and often our perception of control is more important than the truth of the situation, at least in most day-to-day situations.

Indulge me for a moment if you will as we take a car journey: When my husband is driving, being familiar with his degree of road awareness and attention, I am happy to be the passenger and sit and look out the window – I have no control over the car other than hoping the driver responds to verbal cues from me should I choose to give them. Now instead, an imaginary work colleague is with me. I know they are often on their phone or inattentive while driving and have had several minor driving related incidents, so I may volunteer to be the driver. It is easier for me to feel I am in control in this situation than to passively cede the control to another where I do not have that trust for our safety, even though we’re both equally likely to hit the deer that jumps over a hedge to immediately in front of us.

Hitting this metaphorical cervid is a situation I would prefer not to feel I had any control over as being able to forgo responsibility assuages my guilt over the incident – and turns it into an accident; “there’s nothing you could have done.” The actual outcome is it doesn’t matter which of the three of us is driving, we’ve all hit this deer. Where the control balance sits is in my head’s subconscious playthrough of potential scenarios before getting in the car the deer is already a casualty regardless, but by taking control away from my colleague I have given myself control over whether we go into a wall from taking a corner too fast or not allowing for the water on the road from the blocked drain.

In reality, I’m going from A to B in a vehicle. I am driving or a passenger. I can be a stressed driver or a calm one, an anxious passenger or sound asleep. Normally we don’t even notice these ‘control’ scenarios until a situation is not aligned with how we would like or expect it to proceed and stress, discomfort or anxiety surface. Even those in the same situation find their control reactions vary with their perspective: my imaginary work colleague is happily driving away while I cling desperately to the door handle and clamp my mouth shut when we take a corner too fast. I’m driving along merrily and they’re sulking in the passenger seat because they wanted to try out the new company car.

Several years ago I discovered ‘The Great Courses’ on Audible and downloaded several with stored up credits. I listened to one, which was very well written and interesting, but left the others mothballing in my library because I don’t spend much time with headphones in or speakers on.

I’ve been making an effort over the last few months to broaden my horizons through reading and courses, and have been listening to “Stress and Your Body” by Prof. Robert Sapolsky on walks or in the car to and from work. As with all new information, some of it is “sticky” and will remain prominently in our brains even if sometimes we wish it wouldn’t (I have learned things I never considered about hyenas listening to this – I will spare you the details!). Others weave into our mind more as impressions giving slight tilts and extra substance to our thoughts and perspectives even if later we do not realise where this detail came from.

I was listening to a module on modulators of stress this week: there are two main ways in which mammals discharge stress: lashing out (passing it to another) or social behaviour such as grooming. It struck me as I lay in bed that night with a book and my cat immediately jumped up to claim the space on my chest right in front of my face that this is possibly a large reason we have pets.

The days were most of us directly benefitted from animals in our lives increasing our chances of survival either through providing or defending food or bringing security are behind many of us, so why has the prevalence of ‘working’ animals in our homes continued to extend far beyond their use as tools? The obvious answer is because they still bring a benefit to our lives.

Month: September 2021

Control and Perception

Living with Pets